So, what's the deal with squat toilets?

Up until Sunday, I had avoided ever having to use the squat toilet.  Most public toilets throughout Asia, even in China, have a standard toilet for people like me.  When nature calls, I like to have the option of sitting, rather than balancing over a "pit" worrying whether I'm doing it right, or that something is going to fall out of my pocket never to be seen again.  Or even worse, I lose my balance and somehow fall in.  All things you shouldn't have to worry about when "doing number 2".  But I knew someday, somewhere, the time would come where I had to adapt, and that when this day came I would be well prepared.

 Well on Sunday, it happened.  I came face to face with that which I was dreading - the squat toilet.  I walked into the toilet at Suria KLCC (shopping centre), opened the stall door, and proceeded to walk in.  I had already committed myself to using this stall, when I realised it had a squat toilet.  Because I had already committed, I wasn't going to walk out and try another.  I wasn't going to be the guy the locals in the toilets would talk about for not using the squat.

So, the squat toilet it was....(this is not the real image, but you get the idea).

I stood there motionless, and thinking for about 60 seconds before I got to "pants off" stage.  Where do I stand?  Is there something to hold on to? Is my accident insurance paid up? I even did a couple of practice squats, to make sure that everything was going to be, well, positioned where things needed to be. I knew I should have done some more body weight squats in preparation for this event.  Ah well, hindsight is clear sight.  Let's give it a whirl.

Now, to explain the next series of events, I will have to provide some detail.  Remember, I work in radio, so I have to try and create that picture in your mind.

I stood on the foot marks, dropped my dacks, and assumed what I thought would be the correct position. But hang on, this won't work.  My shorts were in a position where they may receive some "collateral damage".  Maybe I'm in the wrong squat position.  I tried to change, but needed something to hang on to.  What if I try and balance myself with one hand on the back wall, and one on the side wall?  No, not going to work.  So, I stood up, shuffled away (pants still around ankles) to reassess the situation.

After a few seconds, I could only come to one conclusion - pants off! (Yes,sort of like George Costanza going to the bathroom, but more practical reasoning behind the idea).  With pants off, hanging on the back of the door, things were a little easier to manage. I'm sure you don't need me to explain the next bit, but let me conclude by saying mission accomplished!

I will have a lot of practice with these style of toilets which are more common in China.  After Sundays experience, I think I have discovered what I was doing wrong.  It's all about your centre of gravity.  If it's not exact, you'll either fall forward and smash your head on the concrete floor - or pitch backward and end up with a wet backside.

Damn you squat toilet.  Damn you all to hell!